# Cassell gets 'Extreme Makeover'



## JazzMan

Minnesota Timberwolves point guard Sam Cassell revealed today what he has been doing this offseason – taking part in a special celebrity version of hit show “Extreme Makeover”.

The notoriously ugly Cassell has had his looks transformed by a crack team of cosmetic surgeons, dentists, make-up artists and fashion gurus. Producer Jack Meoff said “We wanted to do something really big for this edition, so we went for a real challenge. As Sam needed twice as much work as the other people we have on he was the only one on the show this time.”

Sam underwent the following procedures to improve his appearance: a brow lift, the bags under his eyes removed, a new nose, a new chin, his ears pinned back, cosmetic dentistry, lasik eye surgery, hair follicle transplantation and a pioneering new skull reshaping procedure. Plastic surgeon to the stars Dwight Schwurzlehauser had this to say about the procedure: “Sam was a real challenge. We usually insert chin implants in people with weak chins, but seeing as Sam didn’t even have a chin, we had to build one from scratch using a special polyurethane composite. We also had to chip bits of his skull off to make it look more normal, and push his eyes further into their sockets.”

Cassell’s wife Rowanne was delighted by the procedure. Rowanne, who married Sam after losing a bet with a friend, said, “I can’t tell you how amazing this is. When he was away on road trips I would wake up screaming from nightmares about him coming home again.”

Cassell’s mom was also ecstatic. “All mothers love their children, but it was tough going with Sam. I mean, when I gave birth to him the midwife actually slapped me. The whole thing was a bit surreal. I was single at the time, and a couple of months before I found out I was pregnant I remember getting really stoned and having a really vivid dream about being abducted by aliens. It was weird.”

“Thank God for that!” said reigning MVP and friend Kevin Garnett when he heard the news. “I mean, I love the guy and all, but when we hung out I always had to wear shades to disguise the fact that I couldn’t bear to look at him. When he arrived in Minnesota, I punched him in the face a few times after he scored on me, and that actually made him look better.”

The process meant eight weeks of Cass-hell for Cassell. “I was sore for ages. It really hurt, I mean _really_ hurt, not like Shaq’s big toe. I’ve always gotten a lot of attention in public. I used to think it was because I was famous, but eventually I realised it was because I was hideous.”

While many think that Cassell’s new looks (see below) will give him a new confidence on the court, not all see it that way. ESPN analyst Chad A. Stein had this to say: “Sam might actually find it harder to score now. His ability to get to the hole was strongly aided by his ugliness, as defenders would hate to get near him. But he can’t use that now, so I expect defenders to close in on him more effectively.”

Cassell was thought to be the first player ever to be used purely for shock value when drafted by Houston in 1993. “When we discovered he could actually play as well, that was an unexpected bonus” said former coach Rudy Tomjanovic.

The episode will be screened immediately before Minnesota’s opening game on November 3rd.

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## Snuffleupagus

Tee hee :clown:


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## Bartholomew Hunt

HAHA! Nice!


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## LegoHat

Very funny, as usual


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## BEEZ

Jazzman stirkes again:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:


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## socco

I think Sam is cute. :yes:


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## TylerDurdun

My God..... That was hilarious. I need a tissue to wipe the tears.


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## ballstorm

What a shame to make fun of the Anaconda ! 

Good Stuff Jazzman . You should drop your analyst career and become a comic. The new Benny Hill or something like that 
:grinning:


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## HeinzGuderian

> Originally posted by <b>JazzMan</b>!
> When he arrived in Minnesota, I punched him in the face a few times after he scored on me, and that actually made him look better.”


:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:


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## Cometsbiggestfan

> Originally posted by <b>q</b>!
> I think Sam is cute. :yes:



Are you kidding me?


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## socco

> Originally posted by <b>Cometsbiggestfan</b>!
> 
> 
> 
> Are you kidding me?


No.


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## CrookedJ

WOW that Ear-smallining really helped a lot!


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## Lope31

> Originally posted by <b>JazzMan</b>!
> Cassell’s wife Rowanne was delighted by the procedure. Rowanne, who married Sam after losing a bet with a friend


Excellent.


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## BigWill33176

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: 


:laugh: :laugh: omg :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: 

thats probably the funniest thing i've ever heard.


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## X-Factor

> Originally posted by <b>JazzMan</b>!
> Before:
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> After:


Great post. Up and coming bb.net clown. Watch out John...


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## Nevus

JazzMan, you're making my next "favorite posters" list. 

Weren't you the one that did the "All NBA Batman Sound-Effect team?" Sometimes known as the greatest post in the history of BBB.net.

PAU! Gasol
Chris BOSH!
YAO! MING!
DeSagana JOP!
ZARKO! Cabarkapa
ZACH! Randolph
Ruben BOUMtje-BOUMtje


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## ChiBron

> Originally posted by <b>JazzMan</b>!
> 
> Cassell’s wife Rowanne was delighted by the procedure. Rowanne, who married Sam after losing a bet with a friend, said, “I can’t tell you how amazing this is. When he was away on road trips I would wake up screaming from nightmares about him coming home again.”
> 
> Cassell’s mom was also ecstatic. “All mothers love their children, but it was tough going with Sam. I mean, when I gave birth to him the midwife actually slapped me. The whole thing was a bit surreal. I was single at the time, and a couple of months before I found out I was pregnant I remember getting really stoned and having a really vivid dream about being abducted by aliens. It was weird.”
> 
> “Thank God for that!” said reigning MVP and friend Kevin Garnett when he heard the news. “I mean, I love the guy and all, but when we hung out I always had to wear shades to disguise the fact that I couldn’t bear to look at him. When he arrived in Minnesota, I punched him in the face a few times after he scored on me, and that actually made him look better.”


OMG :laugh:


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## Sánchez AF

OMG F! :laugh:


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## MightyReds2020

LOL!


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## Hibachi!

COOOOOOOOOOOOLD BLOOODED


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## RhettO

> Originally posted by <b>JazzMan</b>!
> Cassell was thought to be the first player ever to be used purely for shock value when drafted by Houston in 1993.


Haha! :laugh:


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## Cap

ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!


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## sheefo13

HAHAHAHA. that is hilarious. I think you should do more of these, maybe a popeye jones one. This was just unreal


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## Pinball

Good ****.


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## Hoopla

> Originally posted by <b>JazzMan</b>!
> 
> Cassell’s wife Rowanne was delighted by the procedure. Rowanne, who married Sam after losing a bet with a friend, said...
> 
> 
> His ability to get to the hole was strongly aided by his ugliness, as defenders would hate to get near him...
> 
> 
> Cassell was thought to be the first player ever to be used purely for shock value when drafted by Houston in 1993. “When we discovered he could actually play as well, that was an unexpected bonus” said former coach Rudy Tomjanovic.


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## JazzMan

> Originally posted by <b>Nevus</b>!
> JazzMan, you're making my next "favorite posters" list.


*Adopts posture and voice of superhero baddie*
AT LAST, MY PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE BOARDS IS COMING TOGETHER! SOON, ALL WILL BE IN MY POWER. NO-ONE WILL BE ABLE TO RESIST ME, NO-ONE!!! AHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAA! AHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHA! 

*Sits down and gets back to work*


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## JazzMan

> Originally posted by <b>Nevus</b>!
> 
> Weren't you the one that did the "All NBA Batman Sound-Effect team?" Sometimes known as the greatest post in the history of BBB.net.
> 
> PAU! Gasol
> Chris BOSH!
> YAO! MING!
> DeSagana JOP!
> ZARKO! Cabarkapa
> ZACH! Randolph
> Ruben BOUMtje-BOUMtje


The very same. I was quite pleased with that one I have to say, though I'm still pissed that I missed out WANG! ZhiZhi.

Also, you should probably know that they drafted Luol DENG! over the summer.


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## Sham

No SMUSH! Parker? :whoknows:


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## dominikan_balla1

> Originally posted by <b>JazzMan</b>!
> 
> *Adopts posture and voice of superhero baddie*
> AT LAST, MY PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE BOARDS IS COMING TOGETHER! SOON, ALL WILL BE IN MY POWER. NO-ONE WILL BE ABLE TO RESIST ME, NO-ONE!!! AHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAA! AHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHA!
> 
> *Sits down and gets back to work*


:laugh: :laugh:


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## Half-aMAziNg

Nice to see everyone kissing your *** and laughing at your very unfunny joke

job well done jazzman


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## lakegz

Chise with more chide remarks. 


i wonder what Sam would look like if he never shaved his head. what kind of hairline would he have and how hideous would he really be then?


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## Tersk

> Originally posted by <b>lakegz</b>!
> Chise with more chide remarks.
> 
> 
> i wonder what Sam would look like if he never shaved his head. what kind of hairline would he have and how hideous would he really be then?


That has me cracking me up


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## lakegz

somebody photoshop a receding hairline afro for our dear Sam.


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## DaMavsMan13

> Originally posted by <b>JazzMan</b>!
> 
> While many think that Cassell’s new looks (see below) will give him a new confidence on the court, not all see it that way. ESPN analyst Chad A. Stein had this to say: “Sam might actually find it harder to score now. His ability to get to the hole was strongly aided by his ugliness, as defenders would hate to get near him. But he can’t use that now, so I expect defenders to close in on him more effectively.”
> 
> Cassell was thought to be the first player ever to be used purely for shock value when drafted by Houston in 1993. “When we discovered he could actually play as well, that was an unexpected bonus” said former coach Rudy Tomjanovic.


Funniest Post Ever!! :laugh: :laugh:


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## Bron_Melo_ROY

> Originally posted by *JazzMan*!
> 
> Cassell’s wife Rowanne was delighted by the procedure. Rowanne, who married Sam after losing a bet with a friend, said...


:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: 
:rotf: 
:rotf:
This is the most hilarious comment I have ever read. JazzMan, you are genius.


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