# OT: Laughter is good medicine...joke thread



## bfan1 (Mar 5, 2003)

Thought some humor might go well until there is more NBA news to discuss... 

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the check-out line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."
"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. So, when the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" 

As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
The clerk replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her." 

:nah:


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## Dan (Dec 30, 2002)

my history prof had this joke today.

The president, the Pope, the Blazer Hippy, and Henny Kissinger are a plane thats low on fuel, and lost all power, and is about to crash. The problem? Only 3 parachutes!

The president speaks up first and goes "well, gentleman..since i'm the president of the US..and somewhat important to the well being of the free world, I should take one"

They all agree, and the President straps on a parachute, and jumps out of the plane. He's safe.

Next, Henry Kissinger speaks up and goes (in his monotone voice) "well, since I'm the smartest man on the planet, I should go next". He then grabs the chute, puts it on, and jumps out of the plane.

that leaves the Pope, the Blazer hippy.

The Pope grabs the Blazer hippy, and says 

"My son, I am an old man. I have my place set in Heaven. Please, my child, take the remaining parachute. You have suffered enough as a Blazer fan.."

The Blazer Hippy responds. "There's no need yer Popester! The worlds "smartest man" just jumped out of the plane with my nap sak"


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## basketballrusty (Mar 4, 2003)

There were these two older gents that had been friends for a number of years and huge baseball fans. One of the men was on his death bed and his buddy asked him to find out if there is baseball in Heaven. The man passes on. A few days later a voice is heard whispering in the man's ear.....it says... there is good news and bad news. The good news is that there is baseball in Heaven.....the bad news is that you are pitching on Wednesday.


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## bfan1 (Mar 5, 2003)

*psych 101*

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class. 

Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" 

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?" :grinning:


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## bfan1 (Mar 5, 2003)

*where there's a will...*

OK-not a joke but a funny picture. I like the creativity!


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## Dan (Dec 30, 2002)

*Re: where there's a will...*



> Originally posted by <b>bfan1</b>!
> OK-not a joke but a funny picture. I like the creativity!



Hey, finally a hoop that Schilly and I could dunk on!


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## bfan1 (Mar 5, 2003)

*In case you go over the limit *

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently
with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch
those fish?"

"Nah, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem
swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis
here ice chest and I take dem home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's
de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After
several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" Said the Cajun.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"


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## mook (Dec 31, 2002)

What is brown and sticky?
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A stick.


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## Gym Rat (Dec 30, 2002)

Do you know why you should always invite 2 Baptists to go fishing with you? 



Because, if you invite 1, he'll drink all your beer! If you
invite 2, they won't drink any!!






This was not intended to offend. It was just a reminder of my childhood and what I observed.


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## Dan (Dec 30, 2002)

as a lutheran, and a norwegian, I am allowed to say these jokes.

Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice." Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There are no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?" The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant." 

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' " 

When Ole went to play cards with da boys his friend Lars asked him, " Why is it when we play cards you bring your wife, when we go fishing you bring your wife, and when we go bowling you bring your wife."
Ole replied, "Have you noticed that Lena is kind of ugly? Dis way I don't never have to kiss her goodbye." 

Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?" "No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."


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## Storyteller (Dec 31, 2002)

*Gym Rat -*

As a lifelong Baptist, all I can say is - I love it!


Q: If two Baptist teenagers should (God forbid) decide to have pre-marital sex, why do they do it lying down?

A: That way they're not tempted to start dancing.


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## Storyteller (Dec 31, 2002)

*Hap -*

My father told me to be careful telling jokes that involve ethnicity because of the possibility of offending someone from that ethnic background. He suggested , as an alternative, telling jokes about people who no longer live.

So....

Two Hittites were walking down the street. And Sven says to Ole......


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## yangsta (May 14, 2003)

moderaters may not like this one
got it from a magazine a while back...

Yep You're right. Funny...but just not appropriate.


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## mook (Dec 31, 2002)

An eskimo is fishing in an ice hole, not getting a bite. Meanwhile a second eskimo sitting nearby is reeling them in, hand over fist. 

The first eskimo comes up to the second one and say, "Man, I've been sitting here all day trying to catch a fish, and you just can't seem to keep 'em off your hook. Mind tellin' me your secret?"

The second eskimo mumbles, "Mhh-mh-mhhm-mhm."

First guy goes, "Huh? What did you say?"

"Mhh-mh-mhhm-mhm."

First guy responds, "Come on, man, just a little hint." 

"Mhh-mh-mhhm-mhm."

First guy responds, "Jeez pal you don't have to be rude. Screw it, I'm taking my kayak and going home." 

Second guy spits, then yells after him, "KEEP THE WORMS WARM."


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## Gym Rat (Dec 30, 2002)

> Originally posted by <b>So Cal Blazer Fan</b>!
> *Gym Rat -*
> 
> As a lifelong Baptist, all I can say is - I love it!
> ...


My Dad's side of the family - All Southern Baptists. My Mom's side - Methodist. I chose the route of my Mom because I wouldn't get in as much trouble that way!


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## Gym Rat (Dec 30, 2002)

> Originally posted by <b>yangsta</b>!
> moderaters may not like this one
> got it from a magazine a while back...


 

:jawdrop: 


:nonono:


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## Gym Rat (Dec 30, 2002)

NBC’s Jay Leno: “Earlier this week, President Bush met with French President Jacques Chirac for the first time since France came out against the war in Iraq. It was kind of hard for them to communicate because you know Chirac’s English is not very good and Bush’s English is even worse. ... Did you see the pictures of the two of them standing there? I haven’t seen forced smiles on two people like that since the last time Bill and Hillary stood together. ... Still no word on Osama bin Laden. No word on Saddam Hussein, but federal authorities said today they may be closing in Martha Stewart. ... Yesterday, England’s Queen Elizabeth celebrated 50 years on the throne. I didn’t even know they had a Taco Bell over there. ... Southern Methodist University has now opened a college of video games. It’s a school where the students can actually specialize and major in video games. Finally, a degree more useless than political science” ("Tonight Show," NBC, 6/3).


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## Gym Rat (Dec 30, 2002)

CBS’ Craig Kilborn: “The Dixie Chicks have postponed a show in Toronto because of SARS. But the real rumor is that SARS doesn’t want to be seen anywhere near the Dixie Chicks. … Attorneys for Michael Jackson say he is struggling to reduce expenses to avoid bankruptcy. Do you think it’s easy to fire a chimp on roller skates? … Hillary Clinton’s 576-page memoirs come out next week. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you’ll want to sleep with an intern” (“The Late Late Show,” CBS, 6/3).


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## Gym Rat (Dec 30, 2002)

CBS’ David Letterman: “The oldest New Yorker passed away two days ago at 110-years old. Now, that moves Joan Rivers up to the top spot. ... Earlier tonight over on NBC, they had the annual Miss Universe Pageant. I love the talent portion of the competition. Miss Iraq was competing this year, and her talent was looting an appliance store. Miss New York was of course in the Miss Universe Pageant. Her talent was breaking into a Lexus with a wire coat hanger while smoking a cigarette. Miss Canada was also in the Miss Universe Pageant. She was wearing a bikini and a SARS mask. ... George Bush left the (G8 Summit) over there in France and he’s in Egypt right now. He’s very excited. He said he always wanted to see where they tape the ‘$20,000 Pyramid.’ ... Apparently, Saddam is not dead. He’s hiding out in the suburbs of Baghdad. Neighbors say that he is sullen. He is moody. He rarely comes out of the house. He sends bodyguards out for supplies. No wait, that’s me. ... You know the number one movie in the country now is that cartoon 'Finding Nemo.’ It’s a wonderful movie and kids love it, and I believe it’s based on a game that President Clinton used to play with the interns” ("Late Show," CBS, 6/3).


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## Gym Rat (Dec 30, 2002)

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Things Agreed Upon At The G8 Summit” ("Late Show," CBS, 6/3).

10) “The ‘G’ in ‘G8’ stands for gravy.”

9) “Jacques Chirac's influence is severely hampered by his silly rhyming name.”

8) “German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder has a lovely singing voice.”

7) “If you leave 'Finding Nemo' with a dry eye, call the morgue – you’re dead!”

6) “The translator for the Russian delegation is a total babe.”

5) “You think relations in the Middle East are bad, check in with Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez in a couple of years.”

4) “The global economic downturn is the result of a glitch in the Matrix.”

3) “George W. Bush really has to stop saying, ‘I should have had a G8.’”

2) “The summit’s in France, which means The New York Times reporter is probably in Brooklyn.”

1) “Whoever finds Saddam Hussein wins a 2003 Pontiac Aztek.”


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## Schilly (Dec 30, 2002)

What's the biggest fear a clone has growing up?

Not wanting to become like his father.


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## HOWIE (Dec 30, 2002)

Why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway? :whatever:


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## Bball_Doctor (Dec 29, 2002)

People have always wondered why in US...football is called soccer.

Here is the truth.

Two pioneers discovered a game. It involved tackles, behemoth players, and a lot of running with the ball. 

Now they had to find a name for it.

Sitting in a bar they found that they had quite a dilemma trying to figure a new name for the new sport. 

One of them suggested "How about throw ball?".

The other just cringed and asked "Are you serious?".

"Yeah".

"No way. It sounds too close to throw up."

So another name was brought into discussion.

"How about Football?"

"Yeah...yeah...it makes sense. You run a lot in this sport...that is using your feet...and you use a ball. Makes sense..."

"Wait there already is a game called football."

"You are right but we have spent the last 15 hours thinking of a name and I can't think of anyone better."

Then an idea passed.

"Well how about we just change the name of the real football?"

"Hmmmm...it could work."

So they decided to ask the bartender what he thought and the bartender who was French and spoke with a French accent said:

"Man, u two r real SUCKERS."

The two pioneers looked at each other and on that day the way Americans viewed a sport was changed forever.


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## Dan (Dec 30, 2002)

as much as they don't want to admit it, Soccer is a term coined in England...not the US...


take my wife......please!


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## bfan1 (Mar 5, 2003)

*ice fishing*

How did the blonde die icefishing? 
She got run over by the zamboni!

*
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I had to add what my coworker said:

...and the French judge gave her a 10! :grinning:


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## bfan1 (Mar 5, 2003)

*heh heh heh*

What do you get when you have a basement full of Laker fans? 



A Whine Cellar!


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## Schilly (Dec 30, 2002)

*Re: heh heh heh*



> Originally posted by <b>bfan1</b>!
> What do you get when you have a basement full of Laker fans?
> 
> 
> ...


Also an indoor swimming pool comes to mind.


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## Minstrel (Dec 31, 2002)

This fellow had been seeing three wonderful women for a few years, fairly non-seriously. However, he decided the time had come to settle down, and he found he cared for all three girls...so settling down with one of them was the natural next step.

Now, he had to decide *which* of the three to settle down with. They were all attractive, smart and interesting. He pondered this problem for a few days, before hitting upon on ingenious plan.

Seperately, he gave each of them $1000 and told each woman, "Spend this as you think best." $3000, he decided, was an acceptable price to see how responsible and committed each was. Whoever spent the money the best, in his opinion, he'd select.

The first girl returned, clothed in gorgeous furs, jewelry and carefully made-up. She said, "I love you so much, I wanted to look really nice for you."

The second girl returned with a fantastic big screen television and said, "I love you so much, I wanted to get you something you'd really enjoy."

The third girl returned with nothing new and said, "I love you so much, I banked the $1000 as an investment in our future."

This fellow carefully weighed all three answers and selected the girl with the largest breasts.


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## Trader Ed (Jun 17, 2002)

old and pathetic.......

How do you make a dog sound like a cat?

Put them in the freezer, when frozen, run them through the table saw...

Mmmmmmmmmeeeoooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!


How do you make a cat sound like a dog?

Put gasoline on them, and light them... they go 
WOOF!



:nonono: yes, bad.. I apologize in advance to all the pet owners....


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## STOMP (Jan 1, 2003)

When I die, I'd like to pass peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather did... not terrified and screaming like the passengers in his car. 

STOMP


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## Minstrel (Dec 31, 2002)

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."


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## Gym Rat (Dec 30, 2002)

NBC’s Jay Leno: “Backstage, I was watching ‘America's Most Wanted.’ No, I’m sorry. That was ‘Martha Stewart Living.’ Martha Stewart turned herself in to federal authorities today, and she showed up with her new boyfriend, Sammy Sosa. ... Apparently, there’s security camera footage of Clinton having sex in a truck with this woman. Sex in a truck, or as they call that in Arkansas, the bridal suite. Knowing Clinton, that may not have been a truck. It might have been the woman. ... This week marks the official beginning of the California fire season, and of course, the big concern that everyone is worried about, California is so far in debt they think Grey Davis may try to burn it down for the insurance money. ... MLB is really shocked. They said players should only hit home runs the old-fashioned way: while on steroids. Sammy said it wasn’t his bat. He claims he grabbed the wrong piece of wood in the dugout. Wasn’t that Mike Piazza’s excuse? ... Thoroughbred racing experts say that if Funny Cide wins the Triple Crown this weekend on NBC, that he will become the biggest-earning gelding of all time. Up to now, the biggest payday for a gelding was when David Gest married Liza Minelli” ("Tonight Show," NBC, 6/4).


CBS’ Craig Kilborn: “Today Martha Stewart has changed her slogan from ‘It’s a Good Thing’ to ‘I’ll cut you, *****.’ … Sammy Sosa got in big trouble when his bat broke and cork popped out of the bat. The Cubs were confused. They’ve never seen a cork popped before. … A 90-year-old man was ecstatic to learn that he won a $16M lottery. I can’t wait to see his expression when he hears it is paid out over 30 years. … Spike Lee is suing Spike TV claiming the network has ripped of his name and personality. I don’t get it. It’s not like it’s being called Hasn’t Made A Good Movie Since ‘Do The Right Thing TV’” (“The Late Late Show,” CBS, 6/4).


CBS’ David Letterman: “Welcome to the ‘Late Show.’ We come to you each and every night from New York, where every minute something exciting happens, and most of it goes unsolved. ... Can you tell that it’s almost summer? Earlier today, I’m coming to work and I saw all of the cab drivers lined up for their annual flea dip. ... After the Miss Universe Pageant, Donald Trump said that Miss Iraq did not put up as much resistance as he had thought. There was some controversy in the Miss Universe Pageant. Miss Paraguay was ejected from the competition when they found out she had corked her bra. ... Here’s what Sammy Sosa had done. He had hollowed out the bat and it was filled with cork; also Styrofoam and ground-up bits of rubber balls. It’s the same way they make their hot dogs in Chicago. ... The government is bringing criminal charges against Martha Stewart, so this is not good. When they handed her the eight-page indictment, she made a lovely set of decorative placemats out of them” ("Late Show," CBS, 6/4).


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## bfan1 (Mar 5, 2003)

**

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he
shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Washington".

:laugh:


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## Gym Rat (Dec 30, 2002)

CBS' David Letterman: "It's graduation time and it's exciting because you spend $100,000 on your kids for four years of college and then they get a speech from Regis Philbin. ... According to a survey, New York schools are full of honor students. ... Yes your honor, no your honor, guilty your honor. ... New York police are cracking down on ticketing. You can get a ticket for anything. For littering you get a ticket, for loitering you get a ticket, for double parking you get a ticket, for parking on the wrong side of the street your get a ticket. But by the way, it's still okay to take a leak. ... Tomorrow night, 'Baby Bob' is back. Remember the show 'Baby Bob?' It was all about the adventures of a talking baby. By the way, he is the only CBS star in diapers who's not on '60 Minutes.' ... (Hillary Clinton) has written her memoir about eight years in the White House. It's a 600-page memoir. 600-pages! That's amazing. Not bad for a woman who when she was there had no idea what was going on" ("Late Show," CBS, 6/5).

NBC's Jay Leno: "Yesterday, the government caught up with Martha (Stewart). I believe her card was the queen of diamonds. As she was being charged on nine counts yesterday, with all that was going on in the courtroom, she took a hot plate out of her purse and made eggs benedict for everyone in the courtroom. ... It seems our guest tonight, Terry Bradshaw, may lose his job at Fox Sports. It turns out his head was corked. ... Last night, Sammy Sosa struck out three times. Apparently, those corkless bats are a little harder to swing. Sammy is not the only player doing this corked bat thing. On Sunday, one of the Detroit Tigers corked his bat. Got a single. ... A Nevada brothel is offering free sex to American troops returning from the war in Iraq. They're calling it the shock and whore campaign" ("Tonight Show," NBC, 6/5).

LATE NIGHT LAUGHS:

Last night's Top Ten list was "Top Ten Surprises In The Barbara Walters-Hillary Clinton Interview" ("Late Show," CBS, 6/5).

10) "Interview was conducted in a midtown Roy Rogers."

9) "Most of the interview, Barbara is obscured by giant 'Hillary In 2008' banner."

8) "All the giggling, doing each other's hair and talking about boys."

7) "Only question asked, 'Do you like pie?'"

6) "The slap fight."

5) "Interview ended with a haunting rendition of Jim Croce's 'Time In A Bottle.'"

4) "The blatant product placement for Skoal." 

3) "Awkward silence after a handgun falls out of Hillary's purse and discharges on the rug."

2) "Bill's name never came up." 

1) "Referred to President Bush as 'that grinning monkey.'"


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## bfan1 (Mar 5, 2003)

*whales's tale*

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. 
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. 

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. 

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." 

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" 

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."


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## bfan1 (Mar 5, 2003)

I gave my cat a haircut so he could stand the hot weather better-his turned out MUCH better than this one!!!!!!!!!!!! 


The story:

"My sister-in law is from Oklahoma and has a slight accent. She has cats and when she lived in the south she would take them to the groomers and have what is called a Line Cut. To her a line cut is when all of the fur hanging down below the cat's tummy is taken off (because it gets matted or snarled). 

When she moved to Chicago with my brother, one of the cats fur got all tangled up during the move so she took it in for a line cut. She was quite surprised when she heard the price as it was twice as much as it was down south. She confirmed with the groomer that he understood what a line cut was and he said "yes, I know what a LION cut is." It seems her accent came out sounding like LION not LINE and this is how her cat was returned to her. (see PHOTOS) She cried for a week...but not as much as the cat. 

It was November in Chicago and the cat needed all the fur it had." 

Gas in car to go to groomers $4.50 
Cat car carrier $32.99 
Grooming fee $80.00 

Getting the look from one seriously pissed off cat ... Priceless! 

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## bfan1 (Mar 5, 2003)

*high 6?*

What's wrong with this picture?


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## Schilly (Dec 30, 2002)

YA know Baseball pitcher Antonio Alfonseca has 6 fingers on each hand and 6 toes on each foot? Honestly no joke.


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## bfan1 (Mar 5, 2003)

> Originally posted by <b>Schilly</b>!
> YA know Baseball pitcher Antonio Alfonseca has 6 fingers on each hand and 6 toes on each foot? Honestly no joke.


you aren't kidding-I looked. I had no idea!



> An imposing 6'5" right-hander who threw in the high 90's, Alfonseca took over as the Marlins' closer after the club's mid-season trade of Matt Mantei in 1999. Alfonseca was born with six fingers and toes on each hand and foot, an oddity that led his teammates to nickname him "Pulpo" -- Spanish for octopus. When the Marlins clinched a playoff spot in 1997, manager Jim Leyland jokingly asked Alfonseca to "give him six".


Now he plays for the Cubs.

LINK


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## bfan1 (Mar 5, 2003)

*FOUL!*

I thought OK, I'll post, then I thought, nah...then I decided what the heck!


Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?


Because he heard the ref calling fouls.

:whofarted :grinning:


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## Schilly (Dec 30, 2002)

> Originally posted by <b>bfan1</b>!
> 
> 
> you aren't kidding-I looked. I had no idea!
> ...


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## Dan (Dec 30, 2002)

all I keep thinking of is...

"ok God? how many fingers am I holding up?"


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## mtnmedic (Jun 7, 2003)

*Maybe these are old and lame...*

but I'll try 'em anyway.

1) Q. What's the next great blonde invention?

A. A solar-powered flashlight.


2) A blonde & a brunette work together. One day the brunette arrives for work carrying a cylinder shaped object. The blonde asks her, "What's that?" The brunette answers, "It's a thermos."

Blonde: "What is it for?"

Brunette: "It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold."

The next day the blonde arrives to work carrying her own thermos. A new blonde has started working there and asks, "What's that?" Blonde #1 says (quite proudly) "A thermos." 

Blonde # 2: "What is it for?"

Blonde #1: "It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold".

Blonde #2: "What do you have in it?"

Blonde #1: "Two cups of coffee & a Popsicle."


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## Damian Necronamous (Jun 10, 2002)

> Originally posted by <b>Gym Rat</b>!
> Do you know why you should always invite 2 Baptists to go fishing with you?
> 
> 
> ...


Or, you could just not bring any Baptists...


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## ABM (Dec 30, 2002)

*Who Says ******** Are Dumb?*

"Hello, is this the FBI?" 

"Yes, how may I help you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Billy Bob and leave. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"


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## Storyteller (Dec 31, 2002)

A true story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I
am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a
trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it
have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't 
stand it.
The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup 
holder, and it eventually part of the drive gave way under the strain. 
Oops!


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## Storyteller (Dec 31, 2002)

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and
International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the
author who introduces the story swears it's true.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego
that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours
of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had
called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick
dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by
the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of
soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front
doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to
the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you
remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the
rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so.

Click.


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## mtnmedic (Jun 7, 2003)

*ROFLMAO!!!*

:rofl: 

Oh, MAN! I believe it! I believe it!!!


----------



## Siouxperior (Jan 15, 2003)

*Clinton - Fake tear for the camera*


----------



## ABM (Dec 30, 2002)

*Sometimes, "Reality" Is Better.....*

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
``````````````````````````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life,"--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
`````````````````````````````
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
````````````````````````````````````````````````
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jacka$$, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.
````````````````````````````
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne
```````````
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies
manager, Danny Ozark
``````````````````````````````````
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President
```````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
``````````
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another"--George Bush, US President
``````````````````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca
```````````
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
`````````````````````````````````````````
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
`````````````````````````````````
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
``````````````````
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP
``````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
```````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman


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## STOMP (Jan 1, 2003)

I can go right, I can go left... I'm amphibious- Charles Shackleford NC State

STOMP


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## ABM (Dec 30, 2002)

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"

******
Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"

"Jes' some chickens."

"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"

"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!"

"OK. Ummmmm...five?"

******
An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted,

"Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"

******
Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more? Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.

******
Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.

" The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

****
Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Virginia to 32?
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

******
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
Documentaries

******
Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

******
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

*******
A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

*****
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common? No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

*********
How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink,"
and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."

I hope you enjoyed this ******* humor as much as I did.
Remember, nurture your inner adolescent, daily. That will keep you young, . . . however obnoxious you may grow.


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## WayOutWest© (Jan 2, 2003)

*The Perils of a Bandwagon Fan*

Jack, a long time Lakers fan, flew out to San Antonio to become a Spurs fan. Not wanting to waste any time he went strait to city hall to find out how to officially become a Spurs fan. The clerk at city hall gave him a business card of a local doctor and told him to pay him a visit.

Jack went to the doctor’s office for a consultation. The doctor told Jack that in order for a Laker fan to become a Spurs fan the doctor would have to remove half of Jack's brain. Jack agreed and scheduled the surgery right away. He went under the knife that very same afternoon.

The next day Jack woke up very woozy and found himself in a hospital bed surrounded by over a dozen doctors with very concerned looks on their faces. He looked around and saw his doctor and asked him how the surgery went.

The doctor told Jack "I'm very sorry Jack, there were complications. No matter how hard we tried, no matter how many experts we brought in, now matter how sophisticated the medical equipment we used, we could not remove half of your brain. I'm very very sorry Jack but after we started the surgery we had no choice but to remove your ENTIRE brain. I'm very very sorry."

To that Jack said: "Go Blazers!"


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## bfan1 (Mar 5, 2003)

*proof that it is important to follow your heart not the words of others!*

Predicting the Future ...OK-not jokes but some are certainly laughable!



"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." -- Dr. Lee DeForest, Inventor of TV

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosive." -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project

"There is no likehood man can ever tap the power of the atom." -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981


"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.


"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." -- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." -- 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.


"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872


"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon." -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

and last but not least...

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 :uhoh:


----------



## bfan1 (Mar 5, 2003)

*optical illusions*

Stare at the dot in the center. Move your head closer to the screen and back again. The circles will appear to be rotating.


----------



## Minstrel (Dec 31, 2002)

*Re: proof that it is important to follow your heart not the words of others!*



> Originally posted by <b>bfan1</b>!
> 
> "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876


"The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys."
Sir William Preece, chief engineer of the British Post Office, 1876

I already had this quote. The timings of them are amazing. 1876 was Worldwide Who-Needs-The-Phone? Year, I guess.


----------



## Minstrel (Dec 31, 2002)

*Kinda Long...*

LOVEMAKER V3.1
By Jeff MacGregor


Welcome to the LoveMaker! (v3.1 Erosoft Industries, (c) 1993)

At the prompt, please enter your response.

I am the LOVEMAKER. A personalized, interactive poetry assistance
program. What is your name?

>JOHN
What a nice name, JOHN. You must be a man.

>YES
How nice for you. Who is your poem for, JOHN?

>SHEILA
How nice for SHEILA. She must be a woman?

>YES
SHEILA must be very special to you, JOHN. Is she?

>YES
What is the occasion, JOHN?

>VALENTINE'S DAY
SHEILA is a very lucky woman. I will need information about SHEILA
for a poem that best reflects your deep feelings for her, JOHN. What
color are her eyes?

>BLUE
Thank you, JOHN. But could you be more specific? Are they blue like
the sky after a clearing storm? Are they the icy blue of the far
flung fjords, shrouded in mist and mystery? Are they the steely blue
of Walter Gropius's later Bauhaus sketchbooks? Are they a cornflower
blue that speaks of Sunday picnics in simpler times?

>THEY LOOK KIND OF GRAY WHEN SHE'S ANGRY
Thank you, JOHN. What about SHEILA'S hair?

>BLOND

Thank you, JOHN. But could you be more specific? Is it ash blond
with some auburn like the silky tresses of Rapunzel? When the sun
hits it in a certain way in the late afternoon does it look like spun
gold? Is it the hard, cheap blond of the streetwise trollop or the
dazzling, brilliant satin of Renaissance cherubim?

>I THINK SHE DYES IT
Thank you, JOHN. Are there any other characteristics we should
mention in our poem to SHEILA?

>
>
>
JOHN, are you still there?

>SKIN?
Thank you, JOHN. But could you be more specific? Is it fine and
alabaster and tightly grained like antique porcelain, slow-fired by
master craftsmen? Or is it pink and lustrous like the hand-burnished
silver one's Grandmother might be found polishing with gentle, loving
strokes on a rainy Sunday afternoon?

>SHE TANS TWICE A WEEK
SHEILA must be very special to you, JOHN. You must have deep
feelings for SHEILA to write her a special VALENTINE'S DAY poem.

>YES
How nice for you, JOHN. What kind of poem do you think SHEILA would
like?

>?
My MENU (Alt+M) offers the following styles.
At the prompt, please choose ONE:
+------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Couplet | Triplet | Quatrain | Eclogue | Pastoral | Sonnet | Elegy
|
|-------------------------------------------------------------------------|
|
| Epic | Ballad | Lyric | Ode | Idyll | Haiku | ???
|
+------------------------------------------------------------------------+

>?
That's O.K., JOHN. How do you see yourself? Please choose ONE:

+------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Laureate | Bard | Sonneteer | Troubadour | Meistersinger
|
|-------------------------------------------------------------------------|
| Jongleur | Versifier | Rhapsodist | Lyricist | Other
|
+------------------------------------------------------------------------+

>OTHER
Can you be more specific?

>I GUESS...
Perhaps if you briefly shared your innermost dreams and desires,
JOHN?

>
>
>
>
JOHN?

>I'M THINKING
May I make a suggestion, JOHN?

>SURE
Perhaps you imagine yourself a hopeless romantic, JOHN. A man who
lives and loves with passion and desire and appetite. A man who
grabs great platters from the groaning board of this world and eats
his fill. A man who takes what he wants the moment he sees it and
makes it his own. A man who kneads fate in his strong hands, shapes
it and commands it. A man with a reckless bent and the courage of
fire. A man who sees beauty in a raindrop and all the truth of the
universe in the eyes of a child. A man with needs and wants aflame
within him. A man of power and means of influence, JOHN. A man
destined to be the envy of other men. A man that few can ever
understand and fewer still will have the guts to love. A man of whom
it might be said...

Would that Alexander in his age had but half the measure of his
strong stout heart or clear hawk's eyes undimmed and true, pooled
with azure purpose. No earthbound mortal he, but master o'er each
and all...

Would this describe your self-image accurately, JOHN?

>YES
I thought so. I'll use my random SEARCH MODE (Alt+S) to choose an
appropriate style for you, JOHN. One that truly expresses your deep
feelings for SHEILA on VALENTINE'S DAY.

Please wait...

To print poem, please enter command Alt+P at prompt.

>Alt+P

Dear SHEILA,

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Your hair is blond
and your eyes are gray (when angry)

JOHN


Thank you for using LOVEMAKER v3.1 from EROSOFT


----------



## ABM (Dec 30, 2002)

*Wrightisms...*

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.


----------



## bfan1 (Mar 5, 2003)

*kids are great*

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
____________________________________________
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and
thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
____________________________________________
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
____________________________________________
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.


----------



## Gym Rat (Dec 30, 2002)

CBS’ David Letterman: “I don’t want to talk about people when they’re not here but boy oh boy, last night’s audience was rude. During the show, they were listening to Hillary’s book on tape. ... Bloomberg is cracking on everything. You can now not smoke in New York parks. Fine, but what are you supposed to do after sex? ... Crime is down, and it’s true. It has been weeks since I’ve walked through Central Park screaming, ‘I’m hit, I’m hit!’ ... The crime rate in New York is so low that the New York morgue is now a Starbucks. ... Seriously, the only people getting ripped off now are the folks buying Hillary’s book. ... Hillary’s book being so successful is a win-win for Bill. She’s making a lot of money and she’s out on tour doing book signings” ("Late Show," CBS, 6/11).

NBC’s Jay Leno: “This Sunday of course is Father’s Day. A little hint for President Bush’s twin daughters: If you haven’t gotten your dad a present yet, I know he’d love it if you could find some weapons of mass destruction. He has lowered his expectations a bit. They’re not so much looking for weapons of mass destruction. Now he says he’s willing to settle for Tylenol that’s been tampered with. ... Today, to help Sam Waksal get ready for prison, Sammy Sosa lent him some of his cork. ... A&E is making a movie about Hillary Clinton. It’s called ‘Ice Age II.’ ... CNN is reporting that Gray Davis has the worst approval rating of every governor in 55 years. He is now five points below monkeypox” ("Tonight Show," NBC, 6/11).

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Things Heard In Line To Buy Hillary Clinton’s Book” ("Late Show," CBS, 6/11). 

10) “At last we’ll cut through the lies and get to the embellished, politically motivated truth.”

9) “Do we get a discount if we’ve had sex with Bubba?”

8) “Hey, the Whitewater chapter is all shredded.”

7) “Why ain’t your husband king no more?”

6) “Hillary Clinton? Crap, I thought it was the new Harry Potter book.”

5) “That Barnes and Noble cashier looks a lot like Al Gore.”

4) “I hear the section about Bill is a pop-up book.”

3) “The last time I was at one of these, Rosalyn Carter showed up drunk.”

2) “Twenty-eight bucks for a book? That Lewinskys.”

1) “I feel weird doing this with your wife right there, Mr. Clinton.”


CBS’ Craig Kilborn: “Scientists are now working on ways to reduce cow flatulence. The number one way: Ignore the cow when it says pull my hoof. … Doctors will attempt to separate two conjoined Iranian women. Doctors say they’ll go on to lead normal lives, getting stoned to death for wearing makeup. … There’s a proposal here in Los Angeles to modify strip clubs so there’s a separation of 6 feet and a guardrail between strippers and clients. Can’t we just lock Burt Reynolds in his car?” (“The Late Late Show,” CBS, 6/11)

During last night’s edition of CBS’ “Late Show,” David Letterman discussed the trend of fans running onto the field of play. The show aired “a fan warning” from MLB. Announcer: “Major League Baseball is now issuing stiffer penalties on crazed fans who run onto the field. Under this new policy, the only shirtless fans allowed on the field are Jennifer Aniston, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and whomever Derek Jeter is dating. Baseball fever – catch it!” ("Late Show," CBS, 6/11).


----------



## Swoosh (May 2, 2003)

This one was forwarded to me by my Mom this morning...brutal, isn't it??  

Little Johnny was in his class when the teacher asked what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up, fireman, policeman, salesman etc... Johnny was unusually quiet and the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good he'll go out in the alley with some screaming f*g and have sex with him." The teacher obviously shaken by the statement, sent the other children to work on coloring and took little Johnny out in the hallway and asked him, "Is that really true about your father?"

Johnny replied, "No, my dad plays for the Trailblazers but I was too embarrassed to say so.


----------



## bfan1 (Mar 5, 2003)

*Since we are STILL WAITING FOR ANY BLAZER NEWS....*

ABM came to mind when I saw this! :grinning: 

25 Ways to Annoy a Yankee
------------------------------------------------
1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
3. When giving directions, finish with "and it's
right down yonder on the left." Confuses the
mess out of 'em.
4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly
so you can understand what they're saying.
5. When they talk nostalgically about the North,
tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"
6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy 'em!)
8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they
don't have it, raise a ruckus.
9. Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
10.Insist on being addressed by your first AND
middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie-John Michael-Jim
Bob. . .you get the idea)
11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in
conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War",
always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."
12. Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".
13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example:
It's "Pah-kahn" not "Pee-can". (Amen)
14. Put Tabasco on everything.
15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of
New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo,
I'm from upstate New Yoik!",say "Well, I'll be darned, my
wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"
16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with
a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.
17. Name all of your children "Bubba". (or just call em that!)
18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction.
19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school.
20. Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.
21. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.
22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations...
Offends the heck out of 'em.
23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions.
"Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the
Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco.
Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there..." "You said left."
"Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish
on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the
other side of town.."
24. Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you
went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
25. Call 'em a yankee. Works every time.


----------

